A Rock To Tie A String Around

My iPhone thinks it knows me. It tries to fill in the gaps for me when I’m writing a text or an email, usually it’s utterly unsuccessful, sometimes it’s downright bizarre. For example, the other day I tried to type ‘barbecue’, it changed it to ‘Barcelona’ – which would have made perfect sense if I were trying to ask The Husband if he needed any supplies for the weekend Barcelona. Or maybe the time it changed ‘patio’ to ‘pompadour’, so when The Husband went looking for me, he knew to go straight to the pompadour. Great, thanks iPhone.

It reminds me a bit of the old days with Tivo when it would try to predict what I wanted to watch based on other things I had taped. The end result being that I returned home from work to find it had recorded eighteen hours of Who’s the Boss reruns on the TVLand channel. And it’s not like I could get into Tivo’s head and ask it why it thought I needed that much Tony Danza, so I found myself scouring my choices, asking why? Why did it think I liked this? What did I do wrong? I still don’t know, and instead of trying to solve the problem, I dumped Tivo and shacked up with DVR.

But it’s made me think about some tech inventions that would be utterly invaluable. I fancy myself an amateur inventor, The Husband has absolutely no faith in my inventions but someday I will prove him wrong. Some of my brilliant ideas have already been lifted and marketed by other punks, pffttt… Like my idea for The Feminine Funnel. It’s pretty much what it sounds like – I was thinking ‘what would be better than being able to stand up when you pee?’ Answer: ‘Nothing.’ So, I came up the idea to use those funnels you use to pour oil into the car, except make them in appealingly bright colors! Tada! Brilliance.

But then, of course, this invention already exists…it’s called Urinelle, the urinal for women. Pfftt…I think The Feminine Funnel has a much more melodic ring to it.

But toilet items aside, I have some new inventions for the tech age, problem being that I can’t make them so I need some tech savvy individual to partner up with me and do all the heavy lifting. Oh, and by ‘partner’ I mean 70/30 – I’m the 70.

Here they are:

1. The Internal Song Combuster: Ever had a song stuck in your head? Don’t know all the lyrics? Can’t really sing? Have no way of playing the song so you just keep humming the same few bars over and over and over….until you feel like Jack Nicholson sitting at the bar at the Overlook Hotel? I’m right there, right now. My song demon is ‘Don’t Rain On My Parade’ Yes, I’m being haunted by Barbara Streisand.

My invention would be an ipod like device you hook up to your temple and it automatically plays the song that’s stuck in your head out loud for the world to hear. I’m not sure what the purpose of this device would be, except to be able to mock your friends and family, and maybe to show the world your inner Broadway diva…. But I’m not too worried about that, the marketing and promotion would be your department 30% partner.

2. The Bullshitometer: Remember on Star Trek how they had that device where the aliens spoke into the magical box and it automatically translated their alien language into English? Thereby eliminating the need to ever learn a foreign and/or alien language? Yep, that was awesome.

Here’s something that will be even more awesome. I propose that we (by we I mean you) build that box but instead of a foreign language translator, it would cut all the bullshit out and just give me the subtext instead.

Example:

What I hear now:
“I went into teaching because I love kids, I love helping young people and feel a genuine sense of goodness when I help turn a kid’s life around and I will stop at nothing to make these amazing young people succeed, God, I love my job.”

Here’s what the Bullshitometer interprets:
“I went into teaching because I was pretty sure I wouldn’t get laid off and I have summers free to travel to Cozumel. But now I’m laid off and I never made enough teaching to even leave the state, much less go to another country. The kids are okay, but if I have to look at another adult today and pretend to love my job I’m going to scream.”

Wouldn’t that be useful? Seriously useful? Okay, maybe not so much essential, but amusing?

Again, I’ll leave the marketing up to my 30% partner; I’m just the idea guy.
Okay, so there ya go 30% partner – let’s get working (by we I mean you, all you, my job is done). I sense a million dollars in my future, and significantly less for you, but you can have the entire honor. I’m going to move to my mansion in Cozumel.

I think the real creative genius authors are those who write headlines. I’m not talking about creating headlines, as in you did something great and now your story is splashed all over the papers; rather I’m talking about the actual wording that goes into the headlines.

Let me explain.

I was scanning the Internet for news over the past week and saw this:

Mummified remains of babies linked to ‘Peter Pan’ author James M. Barrie

Here’s the story link:

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2010/08/20/2010-08-20_mummy_babies_link_to_peter_pan_author.html

Okay, so my first thought is ‘Oh my god, James M Barrie was a serial baby murderer! Well, then I read the story. Turns out that some ladies were cleaning out a very old storage area (nowhere near anywhere James M. Barrie ever was) and they found skeletal remains dating back to the 1930’s and papers belonging to a Jean M. Barrie plus a Peter Pan book.

Okay people, is this a story? Really? I’m not a detective but the ‘link’ seems pretty shaky here. If I had to Law and Order this one I would guess that Jean M Barrie, having the same initials and similar name as the Peter Pan author, probably had a lot of hilarious friends who were always giving him or her Peter Pan schwag.

I’m just guessing, cause knowing my friends – if my name was Janet Karen Rowling, I bet my hilarious friends would be giving me all sorts of Harry Potter stuff too, cause I too would be a JK Rowling….get it…yeah, not so funny really, I bet that’s what Jean thought too after awhile.

As far as why the skeletons were in a trunk? No idea, but I’d put money on the fact that the actual J.M. Barrie had nothing to do with it.

Here’s another Pulitzer Award winning headline:

I Am Secretly Dating My Step-Cousin

And link:

http://www.tressugar.com/I-Am-Secretly-Dating-My-Stepcousin-10500051

Okay, so yes, the real world has officially become so glum that I have decided to only read fluff news, at least tonight.

So, to be fair, this is a counseling/advice article. So, in the world of ridiculous news I wouldn’t want to confuse this with an actual news article that appears on the front of a virtual newspaper. But still, even in that context, I have trouble believing that there is a story here, or a problem.

I’m going to come out and say it, you’re not related. Even if he was your real cousin, you could still get married in a great many states – not that legality takes away the Ew factor in that…. But still, step-cousin? I believe it was Darwin who said that we’re better off marrying our blood cousins if we know they have no genetic disorders rather than taking a chance out there in the gene pool. Again, logic does not exclude Ew.

But a step-cousin? You don’t even share grandparents (which for me is really where the Ew comes in. You share nothing except some awkward family dinners in the future. Which, incidentally, happen whether you marry your step-cousin or not.

under all that joviality is a volcano of suppression, supress, supress, supress...

I can only say that the real news must be pretty damn depressing right now (I wouldn’t know, I’m only reading the entertainment section).

Here’s another headline:

Heidi Montag’s Face Returns To Normal

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/26/heidi-montags-face-return_n_696043.html

Okay, so at some point, someone is going to have to sit me down and explain in very simple terms why this girl is famous. I looked around a little (it’s remarkable what you’ll do to avoid doing what really needs to be done) and apparently she’s done nothing. By that standard, there’s a whole lot of people that oughtta be famous. But Heidi Montag did have enough plastic surgeries and artificial parts inserted to officially make her one of the Borg (yes, I’m a giant nerd) so I guess that’s why she’s back in the news…?

In any case, for all of you who were wondering when her face was going to be normal, it’s happened, and Huffington Post was the first to break the story. I also read yesterday that she was able to wear sunglasses.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/26/heidi-montag-wears-sungla_n_695319.html

That’s great, I was getting ready to call the Channel 9 news and let them know that I was wearing pants today too.

Okay even for me, who is trying like hell to avoid the collapse of sanity that I call politics, this is a bit much. I mean, I’m trying to bury my head in the sand as much as anyone and pretend that Glen Beck’s August 28th rally isn’t happening, but it’s almost more painful to avoid the news than to just face it and groan.

Although I will say this, if there’s ever a headline about Glen Beck regaining normalcy, I will read, till then I’m sticking to the place where news happens: the entertainment section.

So, last week’s blog was about words and phrases that I am in favor of eliminating from the English language. I got to feeling a little guilty, so I have decided to fight the good fight for a few delicious words that are slowly dying out and should be revived.

Just when I thought I was going to have to stop wasting time surfing the Internet and get down to some actual work, I found the best web site EVER. Seriously, best ever. Now, I know I’ve said things were the ‘best EVER’ before, and you probably disagreed with me. But this time I really mean it. And if you have at least a few ounces of awesome nerdiness about you, you’ll like it even more.

Every year, hundreds of words are dropped from the English language simply because they aren’t being used. As my new favorite website will tell you – these are worthy, useful words, they want to be used – by you.

So if you go to:

http://savethewords.org/

You can adopt a word, you have to promise to treat it nicely, to use it correctly and often and do your part to keep it in the dictionaries lest it be replaced with newfangled words like ‘sexting’.

So, in order to get the adoption ball rolling, I randomly selected a few words and have provided a few catch phrases to get you all going. Enjoy.

And in the spirit of fairness, I used the ‘random selection’ option and whatever came up, well, I made it work – with varying results.

1. Visotactile: adj. Involving both touch and vision
as in:
Just watching the ads for Jersey Shore make have a visotactile cringe while I imagine the sheer amount of stale hair gel that’s stuck in Guido Fist Pump’s hair.

2. Citharize: v. to play the harp
as in:
I don’t wanna work, I just wanna citharize all day instead while drinking Dos Equis.

3. Lignatile: adj. Living or growing on wood
as in:
My co-worker is so useless, he sits at this desk all day like some kind of lignatile slug.

4. Epalpebrate: adj. Lacking eyebrows
as in:
I shouldn’t have had all those margaritas before I tweezed, I’m looking a little epalpebrate.

5. Decutient: adj. shaking down, beating down
as in:
I used a very decutient method of persuasion, cause that’s the way I roll.

Now, I adopted my very own word this week, it doesn’t cost anything unless you’re a philargyrist and can afford to order the locupletative t-shirt in one of your succisive moments. See how much fun it can be?

My word is: Mowburnt: adj. crops spoiled by becoming overheated

This presents a challenge as I rarely if ever talk about my crops. However, I think with a little creativity, I can find a way to revive Mowburnt into the vernacular and make it hip and cool.

“Wow, a little too much axe body spray buddy, you’re smelling a little mowburnt.”

Or

“You shoulda seen the botox lady in line behind me, she was seriously mowburnt.”

See, Sarah Palin had it all wrong with Repudiate. You don’t have to make up new words, there are plenty of good, historical, lonely words out there for us to use without inventing them – unless that invented word is ‘asshat’ then it can stay. I find ‘asshat’ describes so very many situations and people.

Actually, this woulda worked for the botox illustration too.....

So people, get on out there and make room in your vocabulary for a new, slightly obscure word. ‘Sexting’ is evidently on the top of the list for words that are being considered as additions to the Oxford English Dictionary – if Sexting gets in, Mowburnt might be out – and wouldn’t that be a shame? I can think of at least five good ways to use the two together right now.

Dr. Laura is an idiot, but we all knew that. Recently she’s an idiot for repeatedly saying the N word on her show when a caller was trying to talk to her about her about her husband’s white friends using the word in her presence. As a woman of color, the caller felt offended. Dr. Laura told her the brilliant advice that if she didn’t have a sense of humor she shouldn’t have married outside of her race.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/12/dr-lauras-n-word-rant-rad_n_680680.html

Yep, brilliant…barf. barf. barf.

It made me think though, and for the first time ever I sorta agree with Dr. Laura – I don’t get why some derogatory terms are alright for some people to say and others to not say. I’m not trying to argue why I should be able to use the N word, rather in the opposite, I’m wondering why anyone would want to use that word.

Some words and expression carry more weight than others, historical weight. They carry the blood of those who came before us, they carry the power they held on past generations, and to use it lightly….well, just feels wrong. Easy for me to say though….I’m a Scottish girl, the worst thing you can do to me is insult my hairline and national culinary choices, both of which I know are abhorrent…hagus anyone?

But it brought me to thinking, if some countries can have national baby name registries, we should have a national outlawed word/expression registry. Yes, if France can outlaw the name Marijuana Pepsi, than we should be able to abolish the N word. That’s not the only thing that should go though…I compiled a list to submit to congress.

1. Get ‘er done: Seriously people, this expression needs to go. I don’t know where it came from, I think I need to blame Jeff Foxworthy, but whoever accepts the blame- will you please come back and take your expression with you? My toddler is hooked on Cars, and Mater ‘it’s fun to be dumb’ Tow Car says this often enough for me to worry about my two-year old running around preschool yelling ‘get ‘er done!’ No, let’s end the madness…please?

2. Quit being such a Nazi/You’re such a Hitler: Every time we don’t like something in this country we look to the Nazi’s. No one likes a Nazi, no one likes Hitler. I get it. But just because your boss made you stay fifteen minutes late to finish that report you were supposed to get in yesterday, that doesn’t make him Hitler, nor does it make him a Nazi. Just because you don’t like the way your congressman voted doesn’t make him/her a Nazi either. We can’t just call everything we hate Nazi and/or Hitler lest we forget how truly evil, how deeply rooted and yet easily tapped our capacity for evil is that we cheapen the term. We should remember that most Nazi’s were normal people who were drawn into a fringe political party by a charismatic leader who had a knack for pointing fingers.

Okay, okay, so I broke my own rule...she's not a nazi....and this is probably photoshopped..but it's been like two blogs since I mocked Sarah Palin...I had to work her in somehow...give me a break.

3. Down Low: What does this expression even mean? Seriously, I feel old people. If you call me ‘down low’ does that mean you like me? The lady in the post office was telling her co-worker the other day that she was ‘down low’. Is that good? Should I call the cops? What? Help me out here young people. Are you cool? Are you sorta like badass breakin’ the rules cool? Are you not cool? Do we not like down low? Help. My inability to use this word correctly makes me think we should just get rid of it altogether.

Don't get it young people...don't get it.

4. Ghetto: Okay, so I know the roots – it comes from the term used for the neighborhoods where the Jewish people were forced into prior to and during WWII, right? It grew to encompass any area where people of a certain ethnic and/or cultural group were gathered whether by choice or economic/social pressure. Am I right here? But now it’s used to describe fashion, accessories, language, behavior, investment choices, decorating taste….help. I don’t get it. Have we lost the derivation? Do we care? Is it an insult or a compliment?

Okay, so under a google image search for 'ghetto fashion' appears Orlando Bloom....someone please explain. Just furthers my non-understanding of this term.

5. Actually: As in ‘I’m actually busy right now’ as opposed to ‘I’m busy right now but I might be lying.’ Keep track of how many times your co-workers use this term, and then start wondering if they’ve been lying to you all the other times that they didn’t use ‘actually’ to precede their explanation. It’s a small thing, but a grating one. People tend to use this one when they really want to get the message across that they mean what they’re saying, as opposed to the other times when they don’t care if you’re listening…hmmm….

Okay, there are my five picks for the national expression/word ban. Any arguments…additions?

For the record….most of the time, I’m a decent cook. I wouldn’t say award winning, but I’m definitely on the upside of passable. Last night was not one of those times and it made me think about what a completely awesome husband I have, because even as I type this, I know he is going to say ‘Nooo…it wasn’t so bad, it was fine.’ The capacity to lie in the face of truly inedible food is one of the many reasons why he is, indeed, awesome.

It’s my feeling that recipes and cookbooks are too optimistic and upbeat. I think that we could practice a little backwards learning in the face of cooking. Instead of always showing us how to produce beautiful, tasty, perfect dishes, maybe they should go a little Cormac McCarthy and show the dark underbelly of down home cooking. Yes, maybe our cookbooks should be cautionary tales full of what not to do, so that when we heed their warnings, we produce something edible, and given the pessimistic tone, everyone, including the chef would be nothing short of pleasantly surprised.

In light of my brilliant new idea, I thought I’d share a couple of recipes that I inflicted on The Husband over the years. Now, keep in mind, he was SO NICE about these dishes that I still harbor guilt.

Here ya go, cook at your own risk:

Macaroni Onion Mush

You’ll Need:
2-3 onions
macaroni noodles
buncha cheese
butter
a really good movie on television to distract you (I suggest vintage Tom Cruise – try Cocktail)

Chop the onions finely (a little too finely) and combine it with the cooked macaroni, a buncha cheese thrown on hapzardly and some butter chunks strewn throughout. Put the whole, gooey mess in the oven at about 350 degrees for an indeterminate amount of time. Make yourself a drink, sit down and watch Cocktail. About the time that Elizabeth Shue realizes that she’s pregnant, check on it. If it’s not on fire, allow yourself to get sucked back into the movie. Wait until Tom Cruise has it out with the Australian Guy – take it out of the oven. By now it has turned into Onion Mac Mush.

Serve and apologize

Make yourself another drink so you won’t barf at the cheesy ending of the movie.

Here’s another one!

Desperation Stew

You’ll Need:
Frozen Chicken Legs
½ a cup or so of rice
cup of dried beans
onion
water
5 full cups of self-pity

Get yourself in a good frenzy about something. For me, it’s thinking about money and the lack thereof and the depressing reality that my current path isn’t going to change my financial trajectory…..but it varies by person.
Chop the onion, a little too finely. Dump all the ingredients into your crockpot, cover with water and add a little salt. Turn the crockpot on high and forget it exists for the next eight hours. Mope around the house, make desperate and ineffectual phone calls, pound the walls….watch Cocktail, email Dr. Phil. It varies by person.

After about eight hours have passed, suddenly realize that something smells deceptively good. Check on it, realize that the rice that has been cooking for eight hours has turned the crockpot into the swamp marsh and the chicken has long since fallen off the bone so you have creepy empty chickie bones bobbing around in the quicksand.

Remove the bones and serve with tortillas. Apologize profusely.
While you eat, try to regain some perspective that whatever financial or emotional catastrophe happened earlier is probably better than what is happening in Haiti. While this is philosophically a good idea, it will rarely make you feel better.

Okay people, I showed mine, now you have to show yours. Share your worst recipes, cooking attempts and culinary disasters. I dare you.

It’s dangerous to be a kid now. I’m not just talking about the pollution, imminent water crisis or threat of terrorist attacks; I’m talking all the developmental and psychological disorders that seemingly didn’t exist when I was a toddler. Now, I’m not being so naïve as to say that they didn’t actually exist then, or that they’re made up now – what I am saying, is that if I was a toddler right now, my mom would have been in serious trouble.

My son, Mr. Adorablepants, is something of a lone wolf, of course – he’s two, so it’s sorta hard to tell if that’s an actual personality trait or one I’m just wishing upon him. I’m kind of a lone wolf in my waking life; I don’t ‘hang’ out with people unless they happen to be The Husband or Mr. Adorablepants.

So when Mr. Adorablepants’ daycare lady told us we should get him checked out because he likes to play by himself, my first reaction was “pfffttt….good.” Then later that night in an insomnia driven panic, I started looking up symptoms.

I should have stopped at ‘pffftttt….good’ I have currently found several developmental and psychological disorders that I’m pretty sure both Mr. Adorablepants and myself would be diagnosed with. Of course, the big scary in this is Autism. When someone tells you they’re afraid your kid is spending too much time by himself and he isn’t socializing properly, they’re pretty much hinting that he might be Autistic. After looking up the symptoms, I’m pretty sure I’m Autistic – which is actually a hopeful diagnosis….I mean really, it hasn’t really bothered me so far.

The symptoms are all over the chart – I picked a few of my favorites:

• Seems to be deaf at times.
• Seems to hear sometimes, but not others.
• Throws intense or violent tantrums.
• Has odd movement patterns such as flapping arms or shaking body, especially when excited.
• Seems hyperactive much of the time; is always “on the go.”
• Is often uncooperative or oppositional during daily routines.
• Seems to prefer to play alone.
• Gets things for him/herself only without asking for help.
• Is very independent for his/her age.
• Seems to be in his/her “own world.”
• Seems to tune people out.
• Repeats what he/she hears rather than using words on his own.
• Is a very picky eater. May eat only 3 or 4 different foods.
•

http://teachmetotalk.com/2008/03/14/could-my-toddler-be-autistic-signs-of-autism-in-toddlers/

I’m no doctor, but this seems to describe pretty much every toddler I know. It actually describes me with the exception of the picky eater and the fact that any hyperactivity I might express is caffeine driven. So I kept looking.

• Social withdrawal
• Hostility or suspiciousness
• Deterioration of personal hygiene
• Flat, expressionless gaze
• Inability to cry or express joy
• Inappropriate laughter or crying
• Depression
• Oversleeping or insomnia
• Odd or irrational statements
• Forgetful; unable to concentrate
• Extreme reaction to criticism
• Strange use of words or way of speaking

http://helpguide.org/mental/schizophrenia_symptom.htm

Maybe we’re Schizophrenic….I mean, I make odd statements pretty frequently, and just the other day Mr. Adorablepants ran up to me and declared ‘Dinosaur Rawr! Bear Duck!’ then laughed hysterically. This actually covers ‘Odd or Irrational Statements’ and ‘Inappropriate Laughter’ and ‘Strange Use of Words’. Three strikes……

Keep on googling symptoms….sleep with come (see ‘insomnia’ above):

• get distracted easily?
• have difficulty concentrating on one thing at a time?
• tend to be disorganized?
• have a hard time focusing or paying attention during conversations, listening to others, or while reading?
• often forget things like appointments or obligations?
• have trouble following directions that have multiple steps?
• have difficulty starting and finishing projects?
• tend to procrastinate?
• have trouble prioritizing information?
• get impatient easily?
• often feel restless and antsy?
• lose track of time and have trouble with time management?
• often misplace or have difficulty finding things at home or at work?
• act before thinking through consequences?
• speak or blurt out before thinking about the impact your words will have on others?
• tend to have lots of racing thoughts?
• get bored easily?
• tend to make careless mistakes when you have to work on a tedious or difficult project?
• take risks frequently?

http://add.about.com/od/evaluationanddiagnosis/a/adultaddsymptom.htm

Oh dear, I think I have ADD, I’ll leave Mr. Adorablepants out of this one, he always remembers his appointments and hardly ever procrastinates. Now I’m not so worried about Adorablepants, but I’m pretty sure that they wrote this list by tailing my movements for a week.

Of course, there are other options…..I am pretty thirsty, I hope I’m not diabetic, and the next time I have headache, fever and stomach pains I’ll be googling Ebola before the weakness sets in…..

My point is this – diagnosis should not be left to the Internet. After a long night of google, I have decided that Mr. Adorablepants is a completely normal two-year old and diagnosed myself with Attention Deficit Autistic Schizophrenic Diabetic Ebola. I don’t know what the cure is, but I think it has something to do with turning off the computer and going back to bed…..

Recently, I received the best catalog EVER in the mail. Ever. I’m not being hyperbolic; it really is the best catalog in the whole entire universe…at least for a writer. It wasn’t one of those Brookstone catalogs that illustrate 10,000 different ways to massage yourself, the Discovery Store catalog with giant maps of solar systems and volcanic ranges….it wasn’t even one of those catalogs from the airplane that sells things like motorized cat shampooers and hands free bread slicers. No, it was a clothing catalog from Deva….never heard of them until now, but they are awesome, not so much for what they sell, but how they sell it.

So, friends, it’s another contest….yes, it’s true, because I’m in a constant state of ass broke, you won’t win anything of any particular value. But as with my previous prizes, I promise that once I make a purely subjective decision as to the winner, I will pick a random object from my house and once you pony up your mailing address…you may be one cat richer…I mean one badly scratched copy of Benjamin Franklin DVD richer….either way, it’ll be fun.

So, here are the rules: I provide the pics, and my own commentary on events happening therein, and you top me with your own captions, or account of what’s happening in that photo. As the winner will be chosen entirely subjectively by me and me alone, you can comment on one, two or all of the photos….the one who makes me laugh the hardest…wins.

Here we go:

Is it just me or does the female model look a little nervous? And not just because she’s wearing the same outfit as her stalker….I mean boyfriend. The make model has a bit of a ‘if I can’t have you…..’ gleam in his eye, I just bet she was glad the whole Deva crew was there on the dock that day….

Next in the series of creepy male models is this guy, who I like to call ‘I showed up to work drunk but I’m really, really trying to keep it together…I’ll just keep staring at her boobs…it’ll be okay, things will stop spinning….’

Ever wanted to fly a kite with your beloved, while wearing identical all natural cotton fiber unisex shorts? Here’s your chance, but back off ladies, this guy’s taken…rawr.

While I really want to mock their tunic shirts; I’m horribly distracted by the female model’s GIANT HAND. It’s a trick of the camera, I’m sure, or is it?

Ever wanted to get away from the cult for a day and walk on the beach? I do, but what would I wear? Why this stylish and not at all weird body length robe gown. The real question is what do you wear under it? Rawr.

So, you have some friends coming over, the friends the cult leader have assigned to you anyway, you’ve made a fresh batch of Kool-Aid and you want to look your best. Try these unisex backyard robe gowns, they are awesome. Disclaimer – not available in fuchsia until you’ve reached the seventh level of vibrational power in accordance with the sun path back on the home planet. Sorry.

So there ya are friends. Remember the more times you enter, the more opportunities you have to win an old textbook from my shelf, or a discarded spoon I found in the silverware drawer.

If anyone is in bigger trouble than Mel Gibson lately, it’s his BFF Whoopi Goldberg. You’ve all seen the stories, Whoopi is in some seriously hot water for stating that he couldn’t possibly be a racist because he’s her friend and he’s hung out with her kids. Uh huh.

It’s not a new trend for Whoopi, she’s a good friend to have if you’re an overprivledged asshat. She’s come to the defense of Roman Polanski (definitely not rape-rape, just a little bit of rape, which is totally different) and Ted Danson back in 1993 when he showed up to the Friar’s Club in blackface. Whoopi’s story back in ’93 was that the Friar’s Club guests should have been prepared for tasteless comedy because it was a roast. Personally though, I think Mel Gibson takes the cake. Whether they’ve been edited or not, it’s clearly a panting, psychotic Mel Gibson who is channeling his own personal Thunderdome as he spews words that I won’t even repeat here in a quote.

Here’s the thing though, Whoopi’s not the only one. I’m not talking about Mel, or Roman Polanski, or Ted Danson. I’m talking about all the times we’ve defended, ignored or pretended not to hear someone close to us make a racist, sexist or homophobic comment. Whoopi’s getting all the press because she has an audience, and indisputably she’s doing a whole hell of a lot more than just ignoring or pretending not to hear. What possessed her to jump into the fray and defend Mel Gibson in a time like this is the same compulsion that most of us have had at some point to justify why we’re friends with morons.

It’s embarrassing. You’re stuck standing next to stupid and by default anyone within earshot thinks you’re an ignorant bag of crap too. Our first natural reaction is to come up with something, anything that will make it okay to be that person’s friend. Something that will tell the world ‘Hey, he wasn’t always like this…he used to be cool, back before we talked about politics…’

It’s not necessarily untrue either, sometimes you get to see ugly bits of people that you didn’t know existed after the statute of limitations on friendship has already passed. You’re staring at the person who drove two hours out her way to pick you up when your car died in the middle of the night, the girl who bought you groceries when you were down to your last saltine cracker, the one who showed up right at the right time with a bottle of wine, a quart of ice-cream and a zombie movie after you were dumped. You love this person. You love this person, but you had no idea that they were a moron until they pulled to your house with a ‘Where’s The Birth Certificate?’ bumper sticker.

Is this what Whoopi’s doing? I don’t know. I know I’ve done it. A few years back The Husband and I were back home for the holidays and eating with some extended family. The Husband and I were vegetarians back then…we’ve since fallen off the wagon….thus when the ham was passed around, we politely declined. Extended Family Member #1 looks at him and says:

‘What? You some kind of Jew?’

To which The Husband answered:

‘Well, yeah, but I’m also a vegetarian.’

It got very quiet. Until the football game came on, and Extended Family Member #2 piped up with the really hilarious joke that the players only thank their mothers when they win because none of them have any fathers. Hilarious right? Ugh.

But did I say anything during this whole dinner? No, I didn’t. Maybe it was because I knew we were going to leave soon and not see them for a long time. Maybe it was because my mother was right there, and while she hates asshats, she hates fights at the dinner table during the holidays even more, especially when they’ve been started by her daughter.

Does it matter though? I still didn’t say anything, I didn’t use any of the great retorts that I thought up after the fact, I didn’t tell them to stop being jackasses, nothing. I politely ate my macaroni salad.

Where does our responsibility to call people out on their asshattery start? And even if we do, does it do any good except to absolve us of responsibility? I want to think that it does do some good; I want to think that if we all became intolerant of hate filled speech, it would create an atmosphere where the morons would think twice. But would it make them change their minds? I don’t know. Is a silent moron better than a loud one?

So the big breaking news here in LA is that the Grim Sleeper serial killer has finally been caught after twenty-five years and thirteen known murders. So named because it took the police so long to track him down and there were huge gaps between the crimes, Lonnie David Franklin Jr. was, according to all the newscasters, a perfectly normal guy who liked to watch comedies and had his grandkids over all the time, or so the neighbors said on the news all night.

I’m pretty sure my neighbors aren’t serial killers, but it makes me wonder. What exactly would I say if one day I saw them being carted away and then I was swamped with news crews? What would they say if the same thing happened to me?

So I spent the bulk of my day in a state of hyper paranoia, mostly imagined and used for the sake of wasting time, trying to calculate if I would be the neighbor who had spent the last twenty-five years having coffee with a serial killer, or if I would be the one, the badass from the crime movies who saw through his friendly veneer all that time ago and all by myself cracked the case and ended up in a high-speed car chase….or running for my life through craggly sewer tunnels…..yes, those images are a mixed bag of every Law and Order episode I’ve ever seen.

Here’s what I came up with: Just for the sake of the visual – keep in mind my neighbors are a 65-70 year oldish Scottish couple:

Not My Actual Neighbors...These Are Stunt Doubles...

1. They Tried To Kill Me With Their Car:

It’s true. A few months ago I was driving west and getting ready to turn right onto our street. They had been driving east and were stopped in the middle of the road trying to turn left onto the same street. Instead of letting me go first, as I my god given right of traffic….they just barreled across the intersection and nearly sideswiped me.

Not knowing what was happening initially, I yelled….I have no horn in my car so whenever I need one I let out an ineffectual little yelp.

So I yelled to myself, the neighbors threw up their hands and we all proceeded to our respective driveways. Uncomfortableness ensued. Neighbor got out of his car and looked at me like I had tried to run him off the freeway, then he said:

“Didn’t you see it was us?”

Again, Not My Actual Neighbor...But This Is The Exact Face He Gave Me

Okay neighbors….are the traffic laws different if I recognize the driver of the car? Really people?

2. They Pay Way Too Much Attention to My Garage:

One night, around 9pm, we heard a knock on the door; it was the female half of the neighbor couple.

“I can see a faint light in the garage, do you think you left a light on in there?”

Not thinking anything strange, I shrug; open the garage door, and no light. I thank her for her concern, and she goes back to her house.

The next night is the same thing. I explain that there’s no light on in our garage, it’s okay, don’t worry about it. She reluctantly leaves.

Finally, The Husband hung curtains in the garage to block out the prying eyes – not like there’s much in there, but we thought it might keep them off garage light watch duty.

It didn’t work. The next night, she asked us if we had meant to hang curtains over the garage window.

Actually....This Might Be My Neighbor....Not Sure....

Yes, yes we did.

3. They Think I’m a Lousy Gardener:

I’ve come home from work four times now to find male half of the neighbor couple weeding and pruning my front lawn….just puttering around, working away.

I should be grateful, after all, I have had absolutely no luck getting flowers to grow, and the few, small green plants I have been able to sustain just stare out from our garden sadly wishing that someone would steal them and transplant them to a place where their owner knew what to do with them.

Again, Can't Be Sure....This Looks An Awful Lot Like Neighbor...

But still….it doesn’t look that bad. Maybe neighbor is just retired and bored; maybe he’s concerned about his property value wilting along with my bluebells.

As for what they would say about us? I better hope I’m never falsely accused of anything, I have a sick feeling that they would be the first ones in that witness box telling the jury about my shameful waste of light bulb energy in the garage and my rampant abuse of flowers. I don’t even want to get into what the can and bottle guy hauls out of our recycling bin every week…..

Yikes.

My point is this, I hope no one out there ends up on the nine o’clock news talking about how they played chess with a serial killer for the last ten years. I’m not sure how I’d ever trust my judgment again. I’m grateful for my neighbors, I’m pretty sure that they’d be the first ones to call the fire department if I ever so much as let a whiff of smoke escape from my kitchen, and even though they did try to kill me….I’m about 89% sure they haven’t buried anyone under their porch….the other 11% is skeptical….

I’ve long held the belief that Papua New Guinea is a land of horrors. Between the cannibals, the biting frogs and the over 100 species of poisonous flowers, it would give Neil Gaiman nightmares.

For the sake of comparison, however, I’ve been looking for local anti-tourist destinations that might be slightly comparable to Papua New Guinea, you see, I have no passport, nor do I have any time or money with which to travel, so if I want to spark my horror writing mind with new and horrifying venues…I better start looking locally.

Luckily, Arizona has been doing a bang-up job of making themselves horrible lately. Forget about the Stasi-esque immigration bill, Arizona has a lot more going for it than the distinct possibility that the next time you run a red light, you might have to prove your citizenship. Forget about the move by Governor Jan Brewer to bump out English teachers who speak with an accent – see my previous blog about Arizona for details on that one….no, Arizona has a lot more going for it, check these beauties out:

1. Whitewashing Elementary School Kids:

An elementary school in Prescott, Arizona has a mural that depicts the kids who attend the school running and playing. Most of the kids in this elementary school are black and brown, hence the mural…. Well, some local racists decided that a big mural that prominently featured black and brown children was unacceptable and began the really classy move of screaming racial epithets at the school and children therein.

The principal’s solution? Whitewash the mural. Yes, seriously, the school’s solution to raving, lunatic crazy people racists was to bow to their demands and lighten the skin of the children in the mural. Seriously.

As you can well imagine, there was public outcry and eventually the principal backed off and cancelled his whitewashing project.

http://www.artinfo.com/news/story/34838/arizona-principal-cancels-whitewash-of-controversial-school-mural/

Okay, so alright – they did cancel it. But the fact they even considered whitewashing it in the first place is so horrible, I can’t help but think all the damage has already been done.

2. Lion Patties:

A restaurant in Phoenix, Arizona decided to honor the World Cup by serving, yes; you guessed it – lion burgers. Actual burgers made out of lion meat. Before you get too upset, the restaurant wants you to know they were farm raised lions, not like those wild, noble, endangered ones in the wild in Africa that they were trying to honor by grinding them down and serving them with ketchup and cheese….

It was a one-week event; guess there wasn’t quite enough lion meat to stretch it out until USA beats Ghana….

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2010/06/25/restaurant-served-lion-burgers-despite-protests/

I think it’s probably a good thing that Chicago didn’t get the Olympics….lest the rest of the world decide to honor us by frying up Bald Eagles.

3. Scorpions:

Venomous Bark Scorpions in particular, also throw in that mix the Southwest Tarantula, which while decidedly less venomous is no less creepy. I realize that scorpions and giant fuzzy spiders live all over the southwest, but they have a special concentration in Arizona, specifically Phoenix.

http://phoenix.about.com/cs/desert/a/scorpions01.htm

I suppose it’s a matter of taste, I prefer tropical So Cal insects like cockroaches and brown widow spiders….wait, I think I’m losing my own argument here….well, the point still stands – they’re one creepy freakin’ insect.

4. Weather:

From May through October the average high temperature in Phoenix is between 95 and 105 degrees. I realize that ass hot weather is a thing that some people like, but really? 105 degrees? How can you like that?

I had a work buddy a few years back who moved to Phoenix briefly. In mid July he was crossing a busy street when his flip flop melted to the newly laid asphalt. He was forced to abandon his flip-flop and hop to safety. He then got a blister when his bare foot touched the 105-degree sidewalk.

I have no evidence that this story is true, but he looked really, really serious every time he told this story, and he told it a lot.

5. Speed Traps

AAA has labeled the entire state of Arizona a speed trap. Let me repeat myself, the entire state of Arizona is a speed trap. They issued a warning in their recent travel guide that due to the heavy handed use of speed cameras mounted along the freeways, not to mention hidden in vans that are scattered along the sides of the state highways….you are extremely likely to get caught speeding in Arizona.

http://www.poi-factory.com/node/21154

There are conflicting pieces of advice out there for drivers who get caught by these cameras. On his Consumer Watchdog Radio Show, Clark Howard recently fielded calls from people who had been nailed with hugely expensive tickets while driving through Arizona. Some said they had simply not paid the tickets, some had contested the charges, Howard said to ask a lawyer. I say drive through Nevada instead.

In short, if you can’t make it to Papua New Guinea this summer, try Phoenix. To be clear, I don’t necessarily blame the residents of residents of Arizona; I look to the systems in place. We could all be Arizona, and from the looks of the immigration bills brewing in places like Boise and Topeka….we might just soon be…..