It’s well known around my house that I tend to overanalyze movies. I find it difficult if not impossible to properly suspend my disbelief when faced with absurdity. For example, my son, Mr. Adorablepants, insists on watching Cars at least once a week. It raises a few questions for the astute viewer. For one, the cars in Radiator Springs are worried about going out of business because all the traffic has been diverted from Route 66. How exactly do cars handle financial transactions without opposable thumbs? If it were a barter economy, than they wouldn’t need worry about the big highway stealing their business, the needs of the community would be met by trading services. Right?

And where do baby cars come from?

When a mommy and a daddy love eachother very, very much....

Questions like this will keep you up at night.

Most recently though, I had a nasty bout of insomnia and stayed up too late watching HBO. I was pretty psyched when I found Indecent Proposal playing, mostly because I like me some Robert Redford. The Husband, however, was kept awake along with me, as I took to randomly yelling ‘Hooker!’ at the television. It’s not the only movie that drives me crazy, so starting with the most recent, here are a few that have failed to create sufficient movie magic to stop me from yelling ‘Hooker!’ at the television.

1. Indecent Proposal: In short, for those who haven’t seen it, Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson are having money problems. They go to Vegas to try to gamble enough to make their loan payment. Robert Redford is a fabulously handsome and wealthy billionaire who offers to pay the couple 1 million dollars if Demi Moore will spend one night with him.

Okay, so this is more of a Butch Cassidy Redford...but nice nonetheless....

I suppose it was supposed to bring up issues of whether you can buy people, and the lengths that people in desperate financial straits will go when pushed, the essence of true love….blah, blah blah. There are a few issues here. First, their financial straits weren’t so dire; they were just in danger of losing their big mansion on a hill, not the perfectly reasonable house they already lived in. I’m so sorry you don’t get a mansion, boo hoo. Then, they spend about four hours contemplating Robert Redford’s proposal before they make the heart wrenching decision to sell Demi off to him for the night. HOOKER! Granted….it is Robert Redford, but she’s still a hooker. And I might add, that there are plenty of actual hookers in Vegas, I fail to see how spotting Demi from across a crowded casino drove Robert Redford to such distraction that he went to such lengths. He’s Robert Freakin’ Redford, c’mon people, c’mon. this is Gatsby Redford...but still nice.

2. The Big Chill: The Husband, in our young and wooing days insisted that I see this movie. Now, if we’re just talking soundtrack, got it. If we’re talking movie…I’ve got to label this a HOOKER movie. This infuriated me beyond measure. So, in nutshell, group of college friends gather for a reunion after the funeral of one of their friends. Much drama ensues and Glenn Close ends up loaning her husband, Kevin Kline for the night to their very best friend Mary Kay Place, who desperately wants kids but has no one with which to have kids. And yes, purists, more than that happens, there are reconciliations, dramatic moments, looks of great longing, sigh…sigh…bleck.

I’m sorry Glenn Close, but what??!? First of all, even if it were a sure thing that Mary Kay Place would have become pregnant from her one night of borrowed love, there are other ways to do it. I would have maybe called a freakin’ doctor before I sent Kevin Kline in to do the deed. Hooker! As in Indecent Proposal, I just don’t feel like they sufficiently explore their options before jumping to the absolutely most dramatic option. They could have introduced her to a nice single guy, they could have bought her a male hooker, they could have all chipped in for a nice sperm donation. Options people, options, options that don’t involve Kevin Kline.

A good soundtrack nonetheless.

3. 2001: A Space Odyssey: I’m about to get tarred and feathered for this but….does anything happen in this movie? Really, please tell me. I have tried so very many times to appreciate it. And yes, Stanley Kubrick is a genius. I’m sure I don’t like this one because I’m too dumb to understand it. Thing is, I do understand what’s going on, I just don’t care. I feel like Simon Cowell sitting on a judging panel:

“I see your maniacal artificial intelligence, I just don’t care.”

And while this certainly doesn’t make me yell “Hooker!”, it does make me want to yell “Will something please for the love of grilled cheesus happen!! Anything! Order some food My Dinner With Andre-Style!” Even that snore-fest had an action scene when the food was delivered and Wallace Shawn commented on how small the cornish hens were…

But I digress. Every science fiction writer or reader worth their grain will at one point claim they were influenced by 2001, at least that’s what I’ve been told. That’s why I’ve started telling folks that I write romance novels, it’s stopped all the blank looks and questions about 2001.

three hours of this....over and over and over and over....

Okay so there’s three, I haven’t even started on the conundrum that is Ice Age Three: Dawn of the Dinosaurs. At one point the girl mammoth asks for a pineapple. Am I crazy but she would have no earthly idea what a pineapple was. They only grow on Hawaii.

If this doesn't creep you out, I don't know what will....

I know…suspend the disbelief, suspend. Rinse and repeat…suspend.