How To Survive The May 21st Zombie Apocalypse

Everyday I drive past this giant billboard that states with all sorts of confidence that the world will end on May 21, 2011. Tragic, right? And also a little hopeful. Speaking as one of many who filed for an extension on their taxes, I’m pretty psyched at the thought of never having to deal with that mess. I’m also pretty stoaked never to have to actually deal with the flaming bag of crap that is my work situation right now. I also have to raise a glass to never having to actually having to worry about how I did on my first year law school final exams. It simply doesn’t matter. The world is going to end.

Do we really need to 'save' the date? Wouldn't all other plans pretty much be cancelled if the world ended?

Of course there are some serious downfalls. My in-laws will be in town for the end of life as we know it. When my in-laws are in town The Husband and I get a date night, a date night where we don’t have to pay the babysitter, and don’t have to worry if the babysitter is quietly judging us for coming back from our date a little silly on margaritas. There’s also the possibility that I actually passed my first year law school finals, in that case I’m going to be pissed if the world ends…I studied for over a month for that damn test, I’d like to revel in it for at least a week.

I suppose it brings up the question of who exactly is behind those billboards and leafleting campaigns. Answer: Harold Camping. Proud subject of his very own wikipedia page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harold_Camping

Camping is a radio bible show host, fundamentalist member of a reformed Baptist group, who has previously preached that the world will end in September of 1994. As we can see…it didn’t. But he’s really sure this time. Really. So sure that he evidently invested a small fortune in billboards and fliers. Personally, in September of 1994, I was just starting college. I would have been pretty bummed if the world had ended then too….good thing he was wrong.

Okay...hold up...this says 1992...something's fishy...

To be crystal clear. May 21, Saturday, will not be the end of life in totality. According to Camping, it will merely be the day when the righteous will be lifted up to Neverland…I mean Heaven, and the rest of us…I mean them….will wallow in our…er..their filth until October when the Earth will be annihilated by The Great All Powerful Grilled Cheesus…I mean God.
I feel sorry for those poor bastards left here on Earth. I’m banking on Heaven being pretty kickass…I mean really, really righteous and holy.

In honor of the end of the world, I wrote my own personal bucket list, and granted..seeing as I only have a week, it’s a little truncated. In light of that, I’ve found some wisdom to see those of us who let’s face it, probably won’t be raptured through the pending months of hellish darkness till the eventual zombie apocalypse in October.

1. “Who died and made you king of the fucking zombies?” Shaun of the Dead

The takeaway here is that in the event of hell on earth, there’s no one who can boss you around. You don’t feel like signaling before you change lanes? Don’t do it. Carpe diem your freeway driving and cut some people off, show ‘em who’s boss. Don’t feel like recycling your plastic bottles? Screw it. The world’s ending anyway. I personally plan on just driving around aimlessly burning up those fossil fuels while spraying cans of Aqua Net out the window.

2. “This isn’t the Republicans versus the Democrats, where we’re in a hole economically or… or we’re in another war. This is more crucial than that. This is down to the line, folks, this is down to the line…” Dawn of the Dead – 1978 version

I will use this quote as an excuse to never vote again, for anything. I believe in voting, I vote in every possible election, but it’s undeniable that it’s a pain in the ass. As the end of the world steadily approaches, I will not be hunting down the local elementary school or searching for the entrance to the Methodist church rec room just to vote in the special election for representatives to the Mayor’s advisory board. I won’t vote on judges and I won’t vote on school board members. To tell you the truth….I hardly vote on judges now, I usually vote for the one that has the nicest sounding name….no wonder I won’t be raptured on Saturday.

3. “My momma always told me, someday I’d be good at something. Who’d have guessed that something would be zombie killing?” Zombieland

Everyone is good at something. Personally, I will be really, really good at building a zombie proof bunker in my backyard by the time October rolls around. I don’t know what I plan on doing in the event that my bunker makes it past the hellfires of October…but I would really like a fighting chance. Maybe I’ll get myself some Bob Marley records and go crazy I Am Legend style. Maybe I’ll just curl up with my solar powered (given that the sun still exists) DVD player and watch Audrey Hepburn movies till this whole end of the world thing blows over.

There you go people, go out there and carpe yourselves some diem, live big. Here’s some parting thoughts that speak to the rapture far more eloquently than I ever could:

2 Responses to “How To Survive The May 21st Zombie Apocalypse”

  1. adreanne woodard

    i’m only 14 years old, but ive watched enough movies and played zombie videogames like resident evil, dead rising. and left 4 dead to know how to surivive a zombie apocalypse. dont trusrt anyone. if someone slows you down, leave them behind. aim for the head. if it happens, it happens. i really dont even care.

  2. Kathleen

    Adreanne, you could not be more correct. As Night of the Living Dead has taught us, the only real way to eliminate a zombie is to go for the brain. As you are only 14 though, I would like to add that in the event that we aren’t all raptured or eaten by zombies tomorrow – please pardon the cuss words and general trash talk of my blog. I am not a good role model. I believe I have a damn…er darn good point about the coming Zombie Apocalypse, but a role model I am not. You should strive to be better than me and express yourself without a frequent sprinkling of mother&*#@$’s and co%&su*(@#!$’s. Take it from me – there are far more creative ways to curse out there. Read yourself some Washington Irving, you’ll find at least 10 new cuss words and insults, all literary and relatively proper.

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