A Rock To Tie A String Around

I’ve come to appreciate the spam that tries to infiltrate my blog. I really have. Since I started this blog last year, the quality of spam has gone up tenfold. In the old days, I used to check my comments and be hit with five to ten comments pending approval that all said:

“Try Levitra! Best For Your Face! Best Love For You and Yours.”

I’m not sure what Levitra does, but I am pretty sure that it doesn’t belong on your face.
Then the spam took a different turn – it showed up all in Russian or Arabic. My first reaction was ‘I’m a global sensation! Go Me!’ Then as I read the Russian…I picked up certain key words – namely ‘Levitra’, ‘Viagra’, and ‘Cepocal’.

Either my global audience is worried about my face, or there was no global audience, only global spam.

But, I’ve got to say, the spam that’s hitting my inbox lately is of a much higher quality. I think the spam bots have learned that I am susceptible to flattery, and they’re working me, oh yes they are.

For example:

“Aw, this was a really quality post. In theory I’d like to write like this too – taking time and real effort to make a good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate alot and never seem to get something done.”

This comment comes from my new BFF Tad, whose email is www.buyumbrellastrollers.com. A suspicious person might just think that Tad is buttering me up so I approve his comment and then anyone who clicks on his name, wanting to know more about my BFF, will be directed to a site that sells umbrella strollers and possibly Levitra.

Cynics. I think Tad is sweet on me. Take for example this next comment:

“It appears that you have placed a lot of effort into your article and I require more of these on the net these days. I sincerely got a kick out of your post. I don’t really have much to say in response, I only wanted to comment to reply wonderful work.”

This love note comes to me from my next in line BFF, Billy. Billy virtually resides at www.bodybuildersusa.com. I like a man who takes care of himself. Billy was so blown away by my extra stupendous writing that he couldn’t even say much in response, he just dropped in to stroke my ego, and possibly sell me some Viagra.

I’ve figured out three rules that future spammers need to follow if they are to get past the ironclad, bulletproof moat that surrounds my comment section.

Rule #1: Kiss My Ass
Rule #2: Kiss My Ass
Rule #3: Kiss My Ass

Yep, that’s really the secret folks, just kiss my ass. Tell me that your blown away by my writing, tell me that you accidentally found my blog and now you think you have a crush on me, tell me anything – as long as I don’t find pharmaceuticals or foreign mail order bride ads in your tagger – you’re golden.

Sometimes though, I get some readers who sound a little disappointed:

“Wow. A New Year but where are the new posts? Please write something new ”

Poor Bill at www.onlinebusinessopportunities.com. I’ve been neglecting him and now he’s sad. Good thing he’s making so much money from home, or else he’d need some Levitra for his face.

Lots of people try to cheer me up. I get tons of jokes:

“Why did the chicken cross the road? To buy discount vicodin at www.cheappharms.com’

Don’t worry, I didn’t get it the first time either – it’s kinda a joke bomb, it’ll go off in about three hours and you’ll find yourself howling with laughter for seemingly no reason. Or maybe it was the side effects of the generic pain meds….

In any case, readers, keep it coming. I especially like the real comments, the ones that let me know you’re out there. But vicodin jokes are good too…..