A Rock To Tie A String Around

Amazon thinks I’m a Teenage Republican Conspiracy Theorist. I have no one but myself to blame for this miscommunication either. I vaguely understand the concept behind the intelligent search thingy that Amazon does, from what I understand, it’s similar to the way that Tivo works – if you like this, then you’ll love this – that concept. Both search engines process your search results, and then come up with similar items that they think you might like.

It’s creepy.

For the longest time Tivo kept suggesting that we record Spongebob Squarepants based off my husband’s season pass to record The Simpsons. Spongebob and Simpsons are not similar, not by a long shot – although, I laugh at both of them, I give them that.

Tivo also thought that I would like every entertainment news report, and took the liberty of recording Entertainment Tonight at least twenty times a day. I finally had to sit Tivo down and have a talk with it and explain that just because I recorded The Soup of E – that doesn’t necessarily mean that I care about celebrity gossip news, so please stop interrupting my shows to record Celebrities Gone Wild and Twenty Something Skinny Girls Grocery Shopping Expose 2010.

Despite frequent and heartfelt talks, Tivo and I weren’t able to work it out, and I had to dump him for DVR. DVR doesn’t try to think for me and I appreciate that. He just takes orders and does what I ask, that ‘s really what I prefer in intuitive technology.

I’m worried about my relationship with Amazon. I look up some fairly random books – sometimes for research purposes, sometimes I’m trying to check prices on books I want to order for school, sometimes I’m trying to find out more about the teenage vampire books my students are reading, sometimes I check out the books that are on the top ten sales ranking.
It’s all pretty innocent.

However, Amazon is doing that thing where it wants to try to anticipate my behavior. The other day, Amazon suggested that I buy Going Rogue by everyone’s favorite asshat Sarah Palin. My first question was – C’mon Amazon, what would lead you to think that I would ever want to spend money on that self-serving piece of fiction disguised as a memoir? So I did a little homework on my search patterns.

It turns out that earlier this month, I looked at a book called The War On Christmas – How The Liberal Plot To Ban The Sacred Christian Holiday Is Worse Than You Thought by John Gibson. It was going to be part of a blog that never materialized. It looks like a really funny book, although I’m not sure that’s the intent. On the cover it shows a Christmas Tree (or should I call it a Baby Jesus Tree?) being yanked away by the evil liberal conspirators.

Never mind that the Baby Jesus Tree is a pagan tradition that comes from the Solstice Celebration. Double never mind that Christmas in general was the compromise to get the godless pagans to stop celebrating Solstice and give their mid-winter celebration a Christian tinge. Never mind all that, especially never mind the fact that historically the really hardcore Christians like the Puritans refused to celebrate Christmas because of it’s pagan roots and even banned the holiday.

Check it out – http://masstraveljournal.com/features/boston-cambridge/when-christmas-was-banned-boston

But never mind all that, I was looking at this book and snickering at the 800 comments that followed. One guy said that when we don’t celebrate Baby Jesus Day, we are infringing on his right to practice his religion. I guess it’s all or nothing for that one.

Anyhow, based on that search – Amazon suggested ‘Going Rogue’ by everyone’s favorite gal Sarah Palin, ‘Arguing With Idiots by America’s Mascot’ for the Mentally Unhinged Glen Beck, and ‘Guilty: Liberal Victims and Their Assault on America’ by the Queen of the Delusional – Ann Coulter.

Now, I’m embarrassed for anyone to log into Amazon under my account, what will they think of me?

It’s not always like this though. Below the right wing political books, were ‘more suggestions’. These encompassed the work I do on Amazon for my teenage students. Under More Suggestions they thought I might like ‘Eclipse’ by Stephenie Meyer, ‘The Vampire Diaries’ by L. J. Smith, and ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants’ by Ann Brashares.

The best I can figure, Amazon thinks I’m sixteen years old with a set of deeply Republican parents.