A Rock To Tie A String Around

In the security line at Denver International Airport on Saturday I got caught behind the guy who didn’t want to take off his shoes.  You’ve all probably seen this guy if you fly often enough, and some of you have probably been unfortunate enough to be caught directly behind him.  But Shoe Guy decided that he was the exception to the rule and that he shouldn’t have to take off his $10 sneakers because then he’d have to go the trouble of putting them back on.

This happened to my husband rather recently while on a business trip with a business partner.  The business partner raised hell with the security officers and demanded that they bring him a shoehorn so he wouldn’t injure his overpriced business guy shoes.  Surprisingly enough, they opted to haul him to the security office instead of complying with his shoehorn demands, and in the process slowed the security line to a crawl.

My Shoe Guy wasn’t nearly this dramatic; there were no demands made, no negotiations at all actually.  DIA security was remarkably patient with him and after fifteen minutes of heated discussion, he walked through the security line in his socks.

The best part is coming up.  I wasn’t particularly put out by Shoe Guy.  I always get to the airport obnoxiously early when I have to fly so I wasn’t worried about missing my flight.  I was actually feeling pretty neutral when it was my turn to walk through the metal detector despite the hullabaloo that had just taken place in front of me.

But, as I proceeded through the gate, the security officer looked at me and said the worst possible thing.

“Smile!”

I went immediately from feeling neutral bordering on happy to being angry bordering on irate.  Why does this guy care if I’m smiling?  And what exactly do I have to be smiling about?  Am I ridiculously happy that Shoe Guy made me wait fifteen extra minutes and witness his insanity?  Am I really excited to see if my necklace will set off the metal detector?  Am I dimwitted enough to just blindly smile at everything and everyone with no reason attached whatsoever?

It’s not the first time it’s happened.

I get told to ‘Smile!”  quite a bit.  I think my neutral face looks like a scowl, when in fact it’s actually reflective of some mundane dilemma I’m trying to figure out.  Most of the time I’m thinking deep thoughts such as “Did I bring the coupons for paper towels?”  or “Are we actually out of milk?”  or “Man, it’s a sunny today.”

But when I’m ordered to smile by the happy police, I automatically have to refrain from punching them in the nose or launching into a litany of reasons why I’m not walking down the street smiling like a moron.  I don’t think I’m alone in this.  I think telling strangers to ‘Smile!’ should be at least a misdemeanor offense, like shouting ‘Fire’ in a crowded theatre.  You are ruining my perfectly neutral mood when you order me to act happy.  Allah help you if you actually catch me when I’m ticked off about something.

I’m curious as to why the happy police think they need to intervene in other’s facial expressions.  Does my lack of smile make you not want to smile?  Are you trying to save me from what you have deemed to be chronic grumpiness?  Are you more comfortable if I’m wandering around blindly smiling at nothing like some kind of modern day Lenny?  I might add that behind Lenny’s big dumb grin, he had a squished mouse in his pocket.  Maybe you should worry more if I was smiling all the time.

Maybe all the chronic smilers out there are hiding some kind of dark secret.  Perhaps I should start walking up to them and ordering them to ‘Frown!’

Hmmm…..