October 31st, 2010
It is Halloween people, time to gorge yourself on pumpkin beer and candy, stay in and watch the yearly Halloween Michael Meyers fest on AMC (seriously, why is that the only horror movie that they play?) I have been trying to think of something to write for Halloween, I thought of a countdown of scary movies, scary books, scary politicians, scary costumes, scary costumes on politicians…. It’s all been done.
The thing about Halloween is that the things that really scare me don’t exist in a book or a movie and they certainly don’t only come out on October 31. I’m talking crazy people. And they’re everywhere, I see them, sometimes they don’t even know they’re crazy.
So, instead of yet another list of scary books and movies, I decided to get practical and outline a couple of the crazy people in my neighborhood that I strongly feel you should avoid.
1. The Rentally Insane Dancing Clown
Westside Rentals, an agency that matches people with apartments here in West LA, has a new and bizarre ad campaign. On National Boulevard they have parked a giant moving van that is all decked out like a boxing ring. On the sides of the van is the slogan ‘Don’t Be Rentally Insane! Call Westside Rentals!’ On top of the van, bouncing around in his fake boxing arena, is a crazy person. The Rentally Insane Dancing Clown is wearing a superhero outfit with cape, boxing gloves and a big clown wig. He bounces around; throwing punches at cars and emitting high pitched squealing sounds.
I walk this path nearly every day, as it is on route to my son’s, Mr. Adorablepants, preschool. One day while walking past The Rentally Insane Dancing Clown, I was made the mistake of making eye contact. Now, he yells things at me as I pass. I think he thinks I am judging him, as a person. Maybe I am. He yells “Hey! It’s a job you know! I’m paying my bills you know!”
No doubt buddy. That is exactly why I haven’t called Westside Rentals and complained about you. I’m pretty sure you really need this job, and more importantly…I think you’re insane. I only have another week to put up with this. When daylight savings ends, I will no longer be able to walk to Mr. Adorablepants’ preschool, and presumably it will also too dark for you to be dancing around on top of that van.
Plus, I read It like everyone else; I have clown nightmares like everyone else. And you, Rentally Insane Dancing Clown, are freakin’ scary.
Of course, it brings up all sorts of questions. There is a huge flaw in the ad campaign if you ask me. Rentally Insane is a mental illness, albeit an imaginary one. Why would I want to be rentally insane? Maybe I shouldn’t rent anymore, maybe I should buy.
So, if you’re on National Boulevard, and you see a scary dancing clown – don’t make eye contact. Believe you me, you’ll regret it.
2. The Overzealous ADT Salesman
There’s a guy who cruises my neighborhood selling security systems door to door. He has come to my door four times this month, he’s persistent, most crazy people are. He knocks on the door, and then immediately retreats to the yard. When I answer the door he immediately yells “I’m not going to attack you!”
Whew. That’s good, cause if you hadn’t announced that I might have thought you were a little creepy.
Then from my yard, he tries to sell me on the benefits of installing an ADT security system. I tell him no, then he yells “Well, I can see you don’t care about your family’s security!”
Whoa, don’t make momma bear break out her claws buddy. Momma bear doesn’t take kindly to someone implying that she doesn’t care about her family. She also doesn’t take kindly to overzealous fear pitches that are being transmitted via outside voice from the middle of her yard.
Get off my lawn Overzealous ADT Salesman or I will soon install a security system designed to keep you away. It’s called an angry cat being tossed in your general direction as soon as you approach (not my angry cats, I thought I would grab one of neighbor cats and rile them up…)
I have no intention of buying an ADT security system; I do however like to hatch plots to scare away their salespeople.
That’s it for now; I’ll probably see a few more of the everyday scary people at the big Halloween block party tonight. Remember, people – the truly scary isn’t what jumps out in the dark but what is yelling at your from atop a truck in the middle of the day.