A Rock To Tie A String Around

I think the real creative genius authors are those who write headlines. I’m not talking about creating headlines, as in you did something great and now your story is splashed all over the papers; rather I’m talking about the actual wording that goes into the headlines.

Let me explain.

I was scanning the Internet for news over the past week and saw this:

Mummified remains of babies linked to ‘Peter Pan’ author James M. Barrie

Here’s the story link:

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2010/08/20/2010-08-20_mummy_babies_link_to_peter_pan_author.html

Okay, so my first thought is ‘Oh my god, James M Barrie was a serial baby murderer! Well, then I read the story. Turns out that some ladies were cleaning out a very old storage area (nowhere near anywhere James M. Barrie ever was) and they found skeletal remains dating back to the 1930’s and papers belonging to a Jean M. Barrie plus a Peter Pan book.

Okay people, is this a story? Really? I’m not a detective but the ‘link’ seems pretty shaky here. If I had to Law and Order this one I would guess that Jean M Barrie, having the same initials and similar name as the Peter Pan author, probably had a lot of hilarious friends who were always giving him or her Peter Pan schwag.

I’m just guessing, cause knowing my friends – if my name was Janet Karen Rowling, I bet my hilarious friends would be giving me all sorts of Harry Potter stuff too, cause I too would be a JK Rowling….get it…yeah, not so funny really, I bet that’s what Jean thought too after awhile.

As far as why the skeletons were in a trunk? No idea, but I’d put money on the fact that the actual J.M. Barrie had nothing to do with it.

Here’s another Pulitzer Award winning headline:

I Am Secretly Dating My Step-Cousin

And link:

http://www.tressugar.com/I-Am-Secretly-Dating-My-Stepcousin-10500051

Okay, so yes, the real world has officially become so glum that I have decided to only read fluff news, at least tonight.

So, to be fair, this is a counseling/advice article. So, in the world of ridiculous news I wouldn’t want to confuse this with an actual news article that appears on the front of a virtual newspaper. But still, even in that context, I have trouble believing that there is a story here, or a problem.

I’m going to come out and say it, you’re not related. Even if he was your real cousin, you could still get married in a great many states – not that legality takes away the Ew factor in that…. But still, step-cousin? I believe it was Darwin who said that we’re better off marrying our blood cousins if we know they have no genetic disorders rather than taking a chance out there in the gene pool. Again, logic does not exclude Ew.

But a step-cousin? You don’t even share grandparents (which for me is really where the Ew comes in. You share nothing except some awkward family dinners in the future. Which, incidentally, happen whether you marry your step-cousin or not.

under all that joviality is a volcano of suppression, supress, supress, supress...

I can only say that the real news must be pretty damn depressing right now (I wouldn’t know, I’m only reading the entertainment section).

Here’s another headline:

Heidi Montag’s Face Returns To Normal

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/26/heidi-montags-face-return_n_696043.html

Okay, so at some point, someone is going to have to sit me down and explain in very simple terms why this girl is famous. I looked around a little (it’s remarkable what you’ll do to avoid doing what really needs to be done) and apparently she’s done nothing. By that standard, there’s a whole lot of people that oughtta be famous. But Heidi Montag did have enough plastic surgeries and artificial parts inserted to officially make her one of the Borg (yes, I’m a giant nerd) so I guess that’s why she’s back in the news…?

In any case, for all of you who were wondering when her face was going to be normal, it’s happened, and Huffington Post was the first to break the story. I also read yesterday that she was able to wear sunglasses.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/26/heidi-montag-wears-sungla_n_695319.html

That’s great, I was getting ready to call the Channel 9 news and let them know that I was wearing pants today too.

Okay even for me, who is trying like hell to avoid the collapse of sanity that I call politics, this is a bit much. I mean, I’m trying to bury my head in the sand as much as anyone and pretend that Glen Beck’s August 28th rally isn’t happening, but it’s almost more painful to avoid the news than to just face it and groan.

Although I will say this, if there’s ever a headline about Glen Beck regaining normalcy, I will read, till then I’m sticking to the place where news happens: the entertainment section.

So, last week’s blog was about words and phrases that I am in favor of eliminating from the English language. I got to feeling a little guilty, so I have decided to fight the good fight for a few delicious words that are slowly dying out and should be revived.

Just when I thought I was going to have to stop wasting time surfing the Internet and get down to some actual work, I found the best web site EVER. Seriously, best ever. Now, I know I’ve said things were the ‘best EVER’ before, and you probably disagreed with me. But this time I really mean it. And if you have at least a few ounces of awesome nerdiness about you, you’ll like it even more.

Every year, hundreds of words are dropped from the English language simply because they aren’t being used. As my new favorite website will tell you – these are worthy, useful words, they want to be used – by you.

So if you go to:

http://savethewords.org/

You can adopt a word, you have to promise to treat it nicely, to use it correctly and often and do your part to keep it in the dictionaries lest it be replaced with newfangled words like ‘sexting’.

So, in order to get the adoption ball rolling, I randomly selected a few words and have provided a few catch phrases to get you all going. Enjoy.

And in the spirit of fairness, I used the ‘random selection’ option and whatever came up, well, I made it work – with varying results.

1. Visotactile: adj. Involving both touch and vision
as in:
Just watching the ads for Jersey Shore make have a visotactile cringe while I imagine the sheer amount of stale hair gel that’s stuck in Guido Fist Pump’s hair.

2. Citharize: v. to play the harp
as in:
I don’t wanna work, I just wanna citharize all day instead while drinking Dos Equis.

3. Lignatile: adj. Living or growing on wood
as in:
My co-worker is so useless, he sits at this desk all day like some kind of lignatile slug.

4. Epalpebrate: adj. Lacking eyebrows
as in:
I shouldn’t have had all those margaritas before I tweezed, I’m looking a little epalpebrate.

5. Decutient: adj. shaking down, beating down
as in:
I used a very decutient method of persuasion, cause that’s the way I roll.

Now, I adopted my very own word this week, it doesn’t cost anything unless you’re a philargyrist and can afford to order the locupletative t-shirt in one of your succisive moments. See how much fun it can be?

My word is: Mowburnt: adj. crops spoiled by becoming overheated

This presents a challenge as I rarely if ever talk about my crops. However, I think with a little creativity, I can find a way to revive Mowburnt into the vernacular and make it hip and cool.

“Wow, a little too much axe body spray buddy, you’re smelling a little mowburnt.”

Or

“You shoulda seen the botox lady in line behind me, she was seriously mowburnt.”

See, Sarah Palin had it all wrong with Repudiate. You don’t have to make up new words, there are plenty of good, historical, lonely words out there for us to use without inventing them – unless that invented word is ‘asshat’ then it can stay. I find ‘asshat’ describes so very many situations and people.

Actually, this woulda worked for the botox illustration too.....

So people, get on out there and make room in your vocabulary for a new, slightly obscure word. ‘Sexting’ is evidently on the top of the list for words that are being considered as additions to the Oxford English Dictionary – if Sexting gets in, Mowburnt might be out – and wouldn’t that be a shame? I can think of at least five good ways to use the two together right now.

Dr. Laura is an idiot, but we all knew that. Recently she’s an idiot for repeatedly saying the N word on her show when a caller was trying to talk to her about her about her husband’s white friends using the word in her presence. As a woman of color, the caller felt offended. Dr. Laura told her the brilliant advice that if she didn’t have a sense of humor she shouldn’t have married outside of her race.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/12/dr-lauras-n-word-rant-rad_n_680680.html

Yep, brilliant…barf. barf. barf.

It made me think though, and for the first time ever I sorta agree with Dr. Laura – I don’t get why some derogatory terms are alright for some people to say and others to not say. I’m not trying to argue why I should be able to use the N word, rather in the opposite, I’m wondering why anyone would want to use that word.

Some words and expression carry more weight than others, historical weight. They carry the blood of those who came before us, they carry the power they held on past generations, and to use it lightly….well, just feels wrong. Easy for me to say though….I’m a Scottish girl, the worst thing you can do to me is insult my hairline and national culinary choices, both of which I know are abhorrent…hagus anyone?

But it brought me to thinking, if some countries can have national baby name registries, we should have a national outlawed word/expression registry. Yes, if France can outlaw the name Marijuana Pepsi, than we should be able to abolish the N word. That’s not the only thing that should go though…I compiled a list to submit to congress.

1. Get ‘er done: Seriously people, this expression needs to go. I don’t know where it came from, I think I need to blame Jeff Foxworthy, but whoever accepts the blame- will you please come back and take your expression with you? My toddler is hooked on Cars, and Mater ‘it’s fun to be dumb’ Tow Car says this often enough for me to worry about my two-year old running around preschool yelling ‘get ‘er done!’ No, let’s end the madness…please?

2. Quit being such a Nazi/You’re such a Hitler: Every time we don’t like something in this country we look to the Nazi’s. No one likes a Nazi, no one likes Hitler. I get it. But just because your boss made you stay fifteen minutes late to finish that report you were supposed to get in yesterday, that doesn’t make him Hitler, nor does it make him a Nazi. Just because you don’t like the way your congressman voted doesn’t make him/her a Nazi either. We can’t just call everything we hate Nazi and/or Hitler lest we forget how truly evil, how deeply rooted and yet easily tapped our capacity for evil is that we cheapen the term. We should remember that most Nazi’s were normal people who were drawn into a fringe political party by a charismatic leader who had a knack for pointing fingers.

Okay, okay, so I broke my own rule...she's not a nazi....and this is probably photoshopped..but it's been like two blogs since I mocked Sarah Palin...I had to work her in somehow...give me a break.

3. Down Low: What does this expression even mean? Seriously, I feel old people. If you call me ‘down low’ does that mean you like me? The lady in the post office was telling her co-worker the other day that she was ‘down low’. Is that good? Should I call the cops? What? Help me out here young people. Are you cool? Are you sorta like badass breakin’ the rules cool? Are you not cool? Do we not like down low? Help. My inability to use this word correctly makes me think we should just get rid of it altogether.

Don't get it young people...don't get it.

4. Ghetto: Okay, so I know the roots – it comes from the term used for the neighborhoods where the Jewish people were forced into prior to and during WWII, right? It grew to encompass any area where people of a certain ethnic and/or cultural group were gathered whether by choice or economic/social pressure. Am I right here? But now it’s used to describe fashion, accessories, language, behavior, investment choices, decorating taste….help. I don’t get it. Have we lost the derivation? Do we care? Is it an insult or a compliment?

Okay, so under a google image search for 'ghetto fashion' appears Orlando Bloom....someone please explain. Just furthers my non-understanding of this term.

5. Actually: As in ‘I’m actually busy right now’ as opposed to ‘I’m busy right now but I might be lying.’ Keep track of how many times your co-workers use this term, and then start wondering if they’ve been lying to you all the other times that they didn’t use ‘actually’ to precede their explanation. It’s a small thing, but a grating one. People tend to use this one when they really want to get the message across that they mean what they’re saying, as opposed to the other times when they don’t care if you’re listening…hmmm….

Okay, there are my five picks for the national expression/word ban. Any arguments…additions?

For the record….most of the time, I’m a decent cook. I wouldn’t say award winning, but I’m definitely on the upside of passable. Last night was not one of those times and it made me think about what a completely awesome husband I have, because even as I type this, I know he is going to say ‘Nooo…it wasn’t so bad, it was fine.’ The capacity to lie in the face of truly inedible food is one of the many reasons why he is, indeed, awesome.

It’s my feeling that recipes and cookbooks are too optimistic and upbeat. I think that we could practice a little backwards learning in the face of cooking. Instead of always showing us how to produce beautiful, tasty, perfect dishes, maybe they should go a little Cormac McCarthy and show the dark underbelly of down home cooking. Yes, maybe our cookbooks should be cautionary tales full of what not to do, so that when we heed their warnings, we produce something edible, and given the pessimistic tone, everyone, including the chef would be nothing short of pleasantly surprised.

In light of my brilliant new idea, I thought I’d share a couple of recipes that I inflicted on The Husband over the years. Now, keep in mind, he was SO NICE about these dishes that I still harbor guilt.

Here ya go, cook at your own risk:

Macaroni Onion Mush

You’ll Need:
2-3 onions
macaroni noodles
buncha cheese
butter
a really good movie on television to distract you (I suggest vintage Tom Cruise – try Cocktail)

Chop the onions finely (a little too finely) and combine it with the cooked macaroni, a buncha cheese thrown on hapzardly and some butter chunks strewn throughout. Put the whole, gooey mess in the oven at about 350 degrees for an indeterminate amount of time. Make yourself a drink, sit down and watch Cocktail. About the time that Elizabeth Shue realizes that she’s pregnant, check on it. If it’s not on fire, allow yourself to get sucked back into the movie. Wait until Tom Cruise has it out with the Australian Guy – take it out of the oven. By now it has turned into Onion Mac Mush.

Serve and apologize

Make yourself another drink so you won’t barf at the cheesy ending of the movie.

Here’s another one!

Desperation Stew

You’ll Need:
Frozen Chicken Legs
½ a cup or so of rice
cup of dried beans
onion
water
5 full cups of self-pity

Get yourself in a good frenzy about something. For me, it’s thinking about money and the lack thereof and the depressing reality that my current path isn’t going to change my financial trajectory…..but it varies by person.
Chop the onion, a little too finely. Dump all the ingredients into your crockpot, cover with water and add a little salt. Turn the crockpot on high and forget it exists for the next eight hours. Mope around the house, make desperate and ineffectual phone calls, pound the walls….watch Cocktail, email Dr. Phil. It varies by person.

After about eight hours have passed, suddenly realize that something smells deceptively good. Check on it, realize that the rice that has been cooking for eight hours has turned the crockpot into the swamp marsh and the chicken has long since fallen off the bone so you have creepy empty chickie bones bobbing around in the quicksand.

Remove the bones and serve with tortillas. Apologize profusely.
While you eat, try to regain some perspective that whatever financial or emotional catastrophe happened earlier is probably better than what is happening in Haiti. While this is philosophically a good idea, it will rarely make you feel better.

Okay people, I showed mine, now you have to show yours. Share your worst recipes, cooking attempts and culinary disasters. I dare you.